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Author: Subject: I Need Some Serious Help

A Peach Supreme





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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 07:33 AM


[Edited on 6/13/2012 by fschiazza]

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 08:21 AM
First of all, I can't believe I'm actually responding to this!

Sounds like you've got your own "Cross to Bear"!

I ain't no Dear Abby or anything, but you might want to try to remember how and why you first fell in love with that little lady who's got your latest bun in her oven.

Try not to confuse love with lust or infatuation. From what I understand, a lot of men go through a brief period during their wive's pregancy where they just ... get a little turned off for a while. Could your interest in this younger woman be a passing fancy?

In the end it's all up to you. Don't let a bunch of music fans on a website detemine your fate or lot in life.

Like somebody else said, putting this up on the web might not have been a real wise decision.

Let your heart help your mind make the decision that it right for you.

 

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A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 08:32 AM
Work it out. Those little girls deserve their dad.



 

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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 08:32 AM
Start Praying brother.
 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 08:34 AM
Tough spot to be in. If it was me, I'd consider the kids first. But ultimately, weigh the good and bad in your relationship with your wife and consider it from there.

 

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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 08:47 AM
I'd say suck it up man. You got responsibilities to those kids and to your wife. Life can seem pretty rough the first few weeks/months after a new born comes home and you are sleep deprived. No time for a life altering decisions. Not to even mention it would be some real bullsh*t timing for your older daughter and your wife. I have my second child coming in October and I already know that the first 4 to 5 months of the new baby's life is going to be even a tougher period of time than it was the first time, because I also have to keep up the energy to spend quality time with my 3 year old daughter. Got to make her feel as important and as special as we always have.

Sounds like you and your wife need to take some time to talk some things out to try to make things better, if not for your own sake then for your kid's sake. You owe it to your family. I'm pretty sure if you walk out on them now your older daughter, that you probably adore, won't ever think nearly as much of you as see does now. As much as it might suck and be disappointing, I'd explain to the 26 year old girl that it ain't happening, you have a family to take care of. Then I would take all the energy you have been wasting on the 26 year old and focus it on caring for your family, in particular your older daughter since your wife will be more busy with the new born.

You need to take a look in the mirror and "man up." Good luck.

Ryan

 

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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 08:56 AM
That sounds like good advice, Ryan. I read this earlier, decided not to post, changed my mind, and came back to it to post exactly what you have said. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my best friend beat me to the punch.

Things would have to be REALLY bad at home for me to betray my wife and child. I'd put up with a lot of crap to avoid breaking up my family. That 26-year-old girl has flaws as does anyone else. Would you last with her for 12 years? Doubtful.

If part of the pleasure of your day involves coversations/lunches with this girl, I'd cut them out. That's the biggest problem. You might not have done anything physical yet, but you've let this woman hijack you emotionally, and that's the primary source of your discontent. End that right now.

Buy some flowers for your wife, come home, take that baby out of her hands, hold it, and ask yourself if you really want to walk away from this. Because that's what you will be doing. Giving up your wife of 12 years and two children for what's behind door number 2. Don't kid yourself that you know what's behind that door because you don't. And whatever it is, it will NEVER bring you as much pleasure and happiness as those two kids will.

 
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Maximum Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:00 AM
Is there a way you and your wife could have a heart-to-heart. Not sure I would bring the other girl into the conversation, but maybe your wife isn't happy either and maybe if she knows how you feel the two of you can take a go all in on making it work. Or maybe you'll find out that your wife might rather part ways as well.

I really can't come close to saying follow your heart, head and everything else and hook-up with the co-worker until you've exhausted all the ways you might be able to make your marriage better. I think alot of us have had that other person besides our spouse where we think, wow maybe things could be better over there. But you just never know, things like your relationship with your daughters could suffer greatly and you could end up in a situation where you end up with regret and depression.

I have a friend who split up with his girlfriend just before she found out she was pregnant. They got back together and tried to make it work, but it didn't. He has dated a few girls over the years, virtually living with some of them, but his relationship with his daughter has always remained strong. His ex hates him, but he fought for and got shared custody and puts little to nothing ahead of his time with his daughter. I think ultimately if you and your wife can't live together happily, then you absolutely have to do everything to make sure the kids are always at the absolute top of the list and if that means putting your relationship with the coworker or any other future girl friend to a back burner then that is the way it should be. If you think of scenarios where your presence and influence in your daughter's lives might be damaged beyond repair with a divorce then I don't know what to say. I'd say make them priority 1 and envison how everything else would fit together from there.

 

A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:07 AM
First, my wife knows everything. If she found this it wouldn't bear any new info. I've been forthright with her, as I have always been.

Second, if my wife and I do split, we will both be actively involved in the kids' lives. We agreed already on shared custody and love each other enough to not let anger and hurt get in the way of doing what's best by them.

 

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A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:09 AM
But I appreciate all this advice, harsh and otherwise. I sincerely do.

I would never resort to putting this on the internet if I wasn't at the end of my rope. I am desperate and drowning, hence this plea.

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:17 AM
Once you cross the line and get emotionally attached, which sounds like you are already, dont think you can keep a good thing going on the side and play both fields. the marriage will ultimately get destroyed as women are smart enough to figure it out, even if you dont ever admit or get caught. you should really think long and hard about what you want before you cross any lines with the side dish. I had a buddy who met someone on a business trip and started a years long affair. he was dumb enough to think he could "have both". Well, the other woman got tired of this arrangement and wanted more. Sensing he was losing her, he left (destroyed) his family (wife & 2 kids) for this other life. Unfortunately, the other woman decided she didnt want to be a home wrecker and kicked him to the curb. So, he basically destroyed his family and didnt get the girl in the end. These situations are very unpredictable.

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:18 AM
Most seriously - find a good counselor. The fact that you're putting this all out there shows that you are interested in findng help. Sometimes, people do grow apart. But it seems like you have a lot of your life invested in this relationship. Only you can decide if it's worth saving. Real love and real relationships are sometimes a lot of work!

Good luck to you!

 

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Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Peach Master



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:19 AM
I am not a parent or married, so take my advice as you wish. but i say you have to live somewhat selfishly, with keeping your kids in mind. If there is some friction between you and your wife the kids will be able to sense this and that could make things bad at home. Plenty of kids come from split families and are great kids. You will be able to be a great father if you are married to thier mother or not. It will be slightly more difficult being away, but that doesnt mean it cant work.

It kind of sounds like your marriage may not work out even if you never met the new lady friend. Plus if you have been open and honest with your wife, it may be that she feels the same way. I dont see much of a reason to stay in a relationship if its not positive for all parties. Better to move on and be happy.

I guess my end advice would be to maybe step away from the marriage for a few months. See how you feel, and then decide to pursue a relationship with the new gal.

Again, I am not in the situation or have been a similar situation. Its a tough call. Good Luck.

 

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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:23 AM
quote:
I had a buddy who met someone on a business trip and started a years long affair. he was dumb enough to think he could "have both". Well, the other woman got tired of this arrangement and wanted more. Sensing he was losing her, he left (destroyed) his family (wife & 2 kids) for this other life. Unfortunately, the other woman decided she didnt want to be a home wrecker and kicked him to the curb. So, he basically destroyed his family and didnt get the girl in the end. These situations are very unpredictable.
Moral of the story....Be careful of what you wish for.

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:24 AM
quote:
But I appreciate all this advice, harsh and otherwise. I sincerely do.

I would never resort to putting this on the internet if I wasn't at the end of my rope. I am desperate and drowning, hence this plea.


plea? Are you friggin' kiddin'? fschiazza, snap out of it. I could write volumes on what the many issues here are and the hypocrisy that bleeds all over your original post.

what is your wife doing to combat HER drowning while she cares for two young children?

just askin'....I mean, all we've heard is your side of the story...

 

A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:27 AM
I don't want to give away tender secrets, but my wife and I have struggled. I guess any couple would, but we have struggled mightily at times. There has been some real good stuff between us, too - lots of it. But the struggle is what is on my mind right now.

FYI, I am seeing a therapist. Like I said, I am desperate and am seeking all the counsel that'll come my way.

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:35 AM
As another poster said I'm neither married or a parent, but I wish you all the best Frank during this trial and tribulation -- everyone involved is good people, things change w/time as we all know -- communication & up-frontness is everything bro & it sounds like that is at the forefront -- all the best

 

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A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:39 AM
Thanks, Stephen.

To make it clear, there is no chance of me trying to have "both." I understand that a choice has to be made and I am working towards making the right choice.

This isn't an affair - it's a fork in the road.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:50 AM
quote:
I don't want to give away tender secrets, but my wife and I have struggled. I guess any couple would, but we have struggled mightily at times. There has been some real good stuff between us, too - lots of it. But the struggle is what is on my mind right now.

FYI, I am seeing a therapist. Like I said, I am desperate and am seeking all the counsel that'll come my way.
Seeking counsel is a great idea. My wife and I had a real bad spell about 12 years ago, briefly separated, but somehow we managed to work it out, and counseling was a big help in that. IMO, it was the right thing to do because, No. 1: I made a vow "for better or for worse," No. 2: I set an example for my daughters that problems CAN be resolved, and No. 3: I can look forward to enjoying future family events (daughters' weddings, grandchildrens' births, etc.) as a couple and hopefully live long enough to enjoy each other into retirement age. I look at it as being the one in my family strong enough to break the cycle of divorce that I was brought up in. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. Don't throw in the towel prematurely.

 

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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 09:54 AM
i'd like to add that 26 yr old women don't have a clue as to what they want in life. you are running the risk of having 3 kids by one ex-wife and then another kid with another future ex-wife. you think you are unhappy now........just wait.

how many children do you plan on having? do you feel you are done at 3? does the 26 yr old know you don't want anymore children? would that change her thinking about your relationship?

[Edited on 6/11/2012 by LeglizHemp]

 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 10:02 AM
If you and your wife are open to therapy and honest with each other, and willing to find time to hash through these issues with introspection and analysis, then you likely don't need to be getting help here. But I'll throw in some thoughts that I had while reading the thread.


1) being open with your wife about all of this is the most important part.....it seems you are doing this. However, given there is a newborn, you should remember that your own emotional state is only a piece of the situation right now.
2) seeing outside therapy is also a good thing. Maybe you and your wife should go together? As many have said, it sounds like you both need some honest reflection (together) on the state of your relationship and life partnership.
3) I don't believe that feeling love or affection or lust, or whatever for someone else necessarily says anything about your feelings for your wife. Nor does it for your woman friend at the office. it is sad part of our society that teaches us that we can't feel things in multiple directions. You just have to keep things in context and recognize what this relationship does for you vs. what that relationship does for you, etc. Again, as long as you are open with your wife and she is with you, then all of this will only make you stronger. There are many ways to do marriage, one with honesty, no matter how messy it may feel, is always best in my book.
4) if you two have been going through the motions all along and have a lot of problems as you suggest, then maybe this new relationship is symbolic of that. people find what they need emotionally, and it doesn't always come from the same place.
5) as many have said, any solution to this will have to keep your kids at the forefront. It is true that unhappy parents will make poorer parents, but the trials and drawbacks of separated parents can't be underestimated.

I hope you and your family will find a peaceful solution to all of this in time. Take care of those kiddos!!




 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 10:08 AM
well brother, as hard as it may be, try to step away form yourself for a moment..

If you read this story posted by somebody else, how would you respond ?

we are who we are but as for me, I am always trying to become a better person, to be more patient, more forgiving, ect.

so try and see this situation from above, like you are in the goodyear blimp...

try to see how you will feel 5 years from now, no matter how it turns out

right now, you are seeing all the things you don't have in your primary relationship as attainable with "the other woman".

all relationships have struggles..a pregnancy does crazy things to a woman's mind and body..


i will pray for you...

but i can tell you from my own experience that some of the things i KNEW i wanted, was SURE would work and prayed for the most would have been absolute disasters in my life..

I am humbled that God chose to spare me from those things..

my advice would be to step back and stop..

the world is filled with women that share your interests...
just because you have not me them yet does not mean they are not there..

coming home to your children is something you only get to do once in life...
if it were me, i would look at what I can get at any point vs. what will only be available for a short time..

 

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Maximum Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 10:32 AM
Praying you find peace no matter the resolution....


 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 10:36 AM
I was told a long time ago - "when in doubt, do nothing". A rash decision could be not only your undoing, but cause a tornado effect with all involved.

Search, as you need to for the answer, and LISTEN for it. I have found that what my gut tells me is truth. In my experience, my core, soul or heart (whatever you want to call it) KNOWS Truth - yet many times, my HEAD takes over, and I made decisions based on what I THOUGHT might be the best solution, or how it would benefit me most, or on how I could CHANGE someone or something to fit what I wanted. Most if not every time was WRONG. The real answer (for me) was to follow that gut, that little voice that I ignored so many times.

Counseling is paramount, for yourself, and perhaps a marriage counselor for you both.

I wish you peace and contentment. If you are praying man, perhaps pray for God's will and let it go. When that "answer" comes - that "knowing"....accept it. Remember, God only has our best interest at heart. If I pray for His/Her will, i better accept it when the time is right.

Best,
DA

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2012 at 10:41 AM
perhaps pray for God's will and let it go
quote:



i got a lot happier when I started praying for the strength to accept God's will for me..

 

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