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Author: Subject: Joke of the day

Zen Peach





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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 09:15 AM
Irish Pub Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 09:19 AM

 

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RIP Cindy Fischer
RIP Hugh Duty
RIP John Ott

 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 09:32 AM
HAH! that's funny! here is another.........


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

Peach Master



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 09:54 PM
How do you get an Auburn cheerleader into the locker room?




......... you grease her hips......AND PUSH!!!!!!!!

 

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Extreme Peach



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 09:57 PM
very funny
 

Peach Master



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 10:31 PM
Like that one?

What's 50 ft long and got two teeth??????


The funnel cake line at the Alabama state fair!!!!!

Guess you know by now I live in the Peach state, huh?

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 10:38 PM

I don't think he's seen the Auburn cheerleaders.

 

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Peach Master



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 10:45 PM
Actually I'm an Auburn fan. Us Georgians just have this ongoing joke battle with our neighbors from Bamy. Most of my family is from L.A. (Lower Alabama) Just out of Dothan, little town called Ozark.

But yes, Auburn cheerleader are HOTTIES!!!!!!

My wife is from bama.. (could be my cousin)
She says by the time an Alabamian turns 12 they have to declare... Auburn or that "other" team that says Roll Tide, or something like that.

 

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I'm a full blooded Waneetian.

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 11:19 PM
Auburn.

The team of ugly ties.

Pat Dye sucks.

 

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Hittin' The Web::Hugh Duty Memorial Giveaway has begun!

RIP Hugh Duty

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/8/2008 at 11:24 PM
quote:
Auburn.

The team of ugly ties.

Pat Dye sucks.





You gotta hand it to Pat Dye...Two things:

He ALWAYS ran a clean program, and he really cared how his boys did in the classroom.

...ha, ha..

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/9/2008 at 12:16 AM
And he didn't have the balls to go for a win in a bowl game.

 

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Hittin' The Web::Hugh Duty Memorial Giveaway has begun!

RIP Hugh Duty

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/9/2008 at 09:13 PM
Another goodern...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/10/2008 at 10:56 PM
Donkey and Onion
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

 

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A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 3/11/2008 at 12:15 AM
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.

The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 3/11/2008 at 12:21 AM
A dog is truly a man's best friend;

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and wife in the trunk of your car for an hour,
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

 

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"I said don't ask no stupid questions and I won't send you away,
If you want to talk fishing, well I guess that'll be okay"

 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 3/11/2008 at 05:26 AM
quote:
Actually I'm an Auburn fan. Us Georgians just have this ongoing joke battle with our neighbors from Bamy. Most of my family is from L.A. (Lower Alabama) Just out of Dothan, little town called Ozark.

But yes, Auburn cheerleader are HOTTIES!!!!!!

My wife is from bama.. (could be my cousin)
She says by the time an Alabamian turns 12 they have to declare... Auburn or that "other" team that says Roll Tide, or something like that.


Now I know why I like you! War Eagle1 See you at Wanee!

 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 3/11/2008 at 05:31 AM
quote:
And he didn't have the balls to go for a win in a bowl game.


4th and 17 from the 17 yard. No way he would have made it. It was better to ruin the Yankees season.

By the way thanks for the ties. Pat sold them for charity.

I am just messing with you. If any team has been screwed its Auburn. 2004 nearly made me forget about college football.

 

True Peach



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  posted on 3/11/2008 at 07:34 AM
A slow day at a typical small Alabama bar. In walks an aristocratic looking man in a top hat with a cane. The man walks up to the bartender and places his order.

"Bring me your finest 20 year-old Scotch", instructs the man. The barkeep turns and pours, then places the glass in front of the man. The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out. "That was 15-year old Scotch!", declares the man.

The bartender apologizes and asks if he can get the gentleman something else. "Pour me a seven-year old Tennessee Bourbon!", ordered the man.

The bartender turned and poured again, then placed the glass in front of the man. The man takes a sip and again, spits the contents. "That was 5-year old Kentucky whiskey!", protested the man.

The bartender apologizes and says that he'll be right back as he walks out of the room.

When he returns, he slides a glass across the bar. "Try this", he says to the gentleman.

This time the man takes a bigger gulp, and then spits across the room. "My, God ... that's human urine!", shouted the man.

"That's right", said the bartender. "But can you tell me how old I am?"

 

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Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/12/2008 at 09:20 AM
A lady walks into her doctors office ...
A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.

She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 3/12/2008 at 09:29 AM
A lady walked up to the pharmacy counter. She appeared a little nervous, so the pharmacist asked if he could help.

"My husband ... could use a little help", said the lady.

"Does your husband experience erectile dysfunction?", asked the pharmacist. "Well, yes", replied the woman. "As a matter of fact, that's why I'm here".

"There are pills that can help with that", offered the pharmacist.

"Do you mean, Viagra?", asked the woman. "That's one of them", replied the pharmacist.

"Do they work?", the woman wanted to know. "Why, yes. They work very well" was the pharmacist's reply.

The woman leaned closer and in a whisper asked, "do you take them?" "As a matter of fact, I do" came the reply.

"Can you get it over the counter?", asked the lady.

"Only if I take two", said the pharmacist.

 

____________________
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/12/2008 at 10:33 AM
A husband walks past his bedroom and glancing inside notices his wife feverishly packing her suitcase.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm moving to New York," she replies.

"New York? That's nonsense, why would you move there?"

"Because, I just heard that in New York they pay $4300 for what I give you for free." The wife leaves the room to get some items from the bathroom.

When she returns, she sees her husband packing his suitcase. "And, where are you going?" she asks.

"New York," he replies.

"New York?" she says in surprise. "Why would you be moving to New York?"

"Because I want to see how someone can live on $8600 a year in New York....."

 

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Peach Pro



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  posted on 3/12/2008 at 11:46 AM
All good ones so far... Thanks for putting a smile on my face
 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 3/12/2008 at 12:30 PM
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says,
'How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil,
that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a
fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern
and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet
and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing.
I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
' Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
But finally replies
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

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Every time I think I have the world licked
Baskin-Robbins invents a new flavor of ice cream

 

World Class Peach



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  posted on 3/12/2008 at 12:33 PM
What did the bra say to the hat?


You go on a head . . . I'll give these two a lift.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 3/13/2008 at 07:24 PM
Milking it
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

 

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